My Apologies

Wellllllll.... First i would like to apologize for being the biggest chicken ever. I have a draft for every post i was supposed to submit.... but i got too scared to be that personal... we had pen names but i knew they weren't permanent..... But i had a chat with Nelson.... he basically told me to grow a pair so that's what i intend to do.

This is me......
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Nature
Blow me away far from here. Watch me shead all of my magnificent color and grow cold and appear dead. Give me a phew months and i will appear alive again with the color and spirit you are craving Growth. I am going to grow big and strong and fall with the rain. Watch me run without a leash I bet you are jealous. Watch me start a fire so hot that your cold heart cant help but melt... into nothing... because there was nothing there to begin with. Go to the tunnel and hear my pain echo back to you, because you missed it the first time. Watch me fly.. I just turned 18.
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so that was not about nature.. ha.. it was about my life until now and about my rebellious stage.. and  my hopes for when i turn 18.
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a letter from my heart to myself
I'm bruised but you are weak. I'm strong so why don't you ever rely on me.. you always turn to others for help knowing they don't know what is best for you. I do.. most of the time. But i cant be left in the dust while you run around like a goose being chased... NO ONE WILL FIND YOU. i can always find you. STOP trying to hide that you can't be truly happy unless i am on board be honest because you can't. I am the rhythm to the long walk you are taking.. DON'T ignore my music.
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I remember..

• being so scared to do anything bad because "i would be arrested"
•  the day i realized i wouldn't be. I regret that day.. 
• being disappointed in my mom for never being home.
• being disappointed in my "dad" when i realized that he was never coming home
• being disappointed in everyone...
• when i stopped caring... I regret that day...
• that fruity toothpaste was one of the only good memories i had from my "childhood"

I REMEMBER BEING SO EXCITED FOR THIS CLASS OVER THE SUMMER THINKING I WOULD BE SO GOOD AT THIS!... and then disappointing myself when i realized i am a TOURIST......... still
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#realtalk
If you really knew me.. you would understand that i am different.. understand that when my back faces you it is because i am facing the backward people. understand that i never wanted to be popular just recognized. understand that when i am quiet in class it is not because i am "shy" but because i believe it is better if i keep my mouth shut.. i tend to be toooooo honest.. understand that when i start to shake when i go to speak in front of the class its because i have been holding everything in for too long and i am about to explode. understand that i am a hopeless romantic. understand that when i was only 6 years old i gained a testimony of heavenly father. he was my only friend as a child.. understand that i couldn't scream so i sang.. and i sing and i sing and i sing... i LOOOOVE to sing.. music is my happy place.. understand that as depressing as my past was i wouldnt change a thing. i love my blended family<3 understand that i never meant to be a tourist. understand that i love to write.. i write music.... now that you know a little... actually quite a bit about me you might want to know who this tourist/singer/depressingchick/female/human is..... i am Maddisson.. i am probably the only one that spells it like that

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I'm NOT sorry for taking you too deep into the water... But I am sorry if you didn't take a breath first

Stay home...

What if today was your last day? Would you run to the train station and take the next train to wherever..? Or would you simply stay home? Would you get ready? Or just relax and breathe........ I.... I would get undressed because I have always hated clothes, I'd roll around in the mud because I don't mind being a complete mess, I would run as fast as I possibly could to my house to write 8 letters...... I would thank the doctors for doing the best they could ... I would kiss him .... Ha I would sing every second my heart would go on, I would listen to my favorite songs.... I would stop playing dress up for once and realize that this whole time... My whole life I've been playing pretend.... And after my ridiculousness was over.... I would wash up..... Curl my hair..... Do my make up the best I can... And get in a pretty white dress all so that when my family found me it would be easier for them...... Because even though a life can be taken easily..... It  isn't easy for anyone to accept the end... If only we all knew when it was our last day....

Fears

When my arms are cold, when my mind is playing tricks on me, what if my decision was wrong?, when my sister goes to school every day she says she will see me when she gets home, what if she doesn't? when my heart beats is it strong or is it just a time bomb about to explode from an unknown fatal disease? Do you love me? Questions, answers, reason, belief, depression, irrational thoughts, first impressions, last impressions, beginners luck, life........ These are my fears... But I'm afraid that the list doesn't end there....

Build

Bricks

I’ve got plenty of them

They are so heavy

I cant seam to get away from them

It doesn’t matter how hard I try I cant seem to move them

My arms are too weak and I am tired

I would ask for help but who wants to admit that they are too weak to lift a brick by themselves

I didn’t ask him to remove the bricks I simply told him how they got there and that I wanted to have them moved far far behind me…

He moved the bricks

I was.. I am undeserving.

But I still will never forget those stupid bricks that where always in my way, how I kept tripping over them, and how the next time I see a brick I will throw it.

Because I am stronger now.

Story Time

He tells me stories
He tells me stories of love and laughter
He tells me stories about singing duets
He tells me stories of our long embraces
He tells me stories 
He tells me stories of children laughing
What will they look like me or you?
He tells me stories about dinner dates

He tells me stories of I love you's every day
He tells me stories
And I believe them

He tells me stories of traveling the world
He tells me stories of our hair going gray
He tells me stories of long walks even if they are slowing down
He tells me stories
He tells me stories of singing and dancing in the rain even if we are bad at it
He tells me stories of our adventures and how we will always be young at heart even when it stops beating.
He tells me stories
And i believe them.

Ways we are human>> even though i am not entirely convinced

I have my own thoughts.. My own voice.. I am special in the rude way... I love to explore... i hold technology in my hand... connect with people... Ya Right!! I HATE TEXTING. i was never meant to be a robot like so many humans have adapted to becoming. i have climbed mountains, discovered things, and continue to learn.. i have told lies... i am human.

Dig a little deaper

The world is OBVIOUSLY spinning too fast because
I
am always dizzy.
I
keep crashing because my eyes are fixed on the rearview mirror.
I
know what love is. crazy i know. but i am absolutely sure of it.
I
am affraid of pain (not physical but mental/emotional) and heart break because as much as people say you get used to it.. with me i guess its different because the pain just gets worse..
I
care more each time.
 I
love harder every day.
I
might end up an emotional wreck but i want to express myself through writing
so here is my heart... it might still be beating.

Lets color outside of the lines

crayons>>

I wish that i could go back to being a child and knowing that i was right about everything even if i wasn't. I knew right from wrong a lot better then. I could say anything on my mind without giving it a second thought. I miss my vulnerability. I miss laughing so hard about silly things. I miss the innocence and how then i was actually hilarious. I miss how my imagination used to be my beliefs. I want my crayons back...

We? no.. Me.

We all fall at some point. We all know what its like to reach a high point. We all strive for something. We all have a dream in our hearts that may never die. We all sleep, eat, cry, laugh, and a number of other things.. But get out of my head because this is My blog. I am Comtesse Nicole de Loncrette. I have never been good at keeping my mouth shut, but i have also never had the opportunity to open it. I used to think my face was a clear giveaway of my emotions and it would be if anyone could see me. I don't aim to be contrary, that is just how it happens. My life has never been easy but id like to think it began with "once upon a time". That i could someday live happily ever after. Who lives happily ever after? The girl in the mirror that no matter how small she feels she could never be small enough? The boy in a small room with too many people, and questions that are unanswered hiding behind a door because he "fits" there? That girl who knows that she will live beyond this life and worries about her soul and where her heart is? The boy who always opens doors and smiles with such sincerity you might accidentally fall in love with him on a first impression? Or is it that girl who lost a father and knows nothing of her mother other than the stories and a name.. that name being Comtesse Nicole de Loncrette.. Happily ever after is a fantasy. Its nice to think of living your life behind a name. But that is a fantasy. This is reality. I live on a roller coaster that could end at any moment, it speeds up until it reaches a peak and then I'm flipped upside down and fall at an even faster speed. I wont promise that i will enjoy the ride, but i will make sure the view is great.