My Apologies

Wellllllll.... First i would like to apologize for being the biggest chicken ever. I have a draft for every post i was supposed to submit.... but i got too scared to be that personal... we had pen names but i knew they weren't permanent..... But i had a chat with Nelson.... he basically told me to grow a pair so that's what i intend to do.

This is me......
.
.
.
Nature
Blow me away far from here. Watch me shead all of my magnificent color and grow cold and appear dead. Give me a phew months and i will appear alive again with the color and spirit you are craving Growth. I am going to grow big and strong and fall with the rain. Watch me run without a leash I bet you are jealous. Watch me start a fire so hot that your cold heart cant help but melt... into nothing... because there was nothing there to begin with. Go to the tunnel and hear my pain echo back to you, because you missed it the first time. Watch me fly.. I just turned 18.
.
.
so that was not about nature.. ha.. it was about my life until now and about my rebellious stage.. and  my hopes for when i turn 18.
.
.
a letter from my heart to myself
I'm bruised but you are weak. I'm strong so why don't you ever rely on me.. you always turn to others for help knowing they don't know what is best for you. I do.. most of the time. But i cant be left in the dust while you run around like a goose being chased... NO ONE WILL FIND YOU. i can always find you. STOP trying to hide that you can't be truly happy unless i am on board be honest because you can't. I am the rhythm to the long walk you are taking.. DON'T ignore my music.
.
.
I remember..

• being so scared to do anything bad because "i would be arrested"
•  the day i realized i wouldn't be. I regret that day.. 
• being disappointed in my mom for never being home.
• being disappointed in my "dad" when i realized that he was never coming home
• being disappointed in everyone...
• when i stopped caring... I regret that day...
• that fruity toothpaste was one of the only good memories i had from my "childhood"

I REMEMBER BEING SO EXCITED FOR THIS CLASS OVER THE SUMMER THINKING I WOULD BE SO GOOD AT THIS!... and then disappointing myself when i realized i am a TOURIST......... still
.
.
#realtalk
If you really knew me.. you would understand that i am different.. understand that when my back faces you it is because i am facing the backward people. understand that i never wanted to be popular just recognized. understand that when i am quiet in class it is not because i am "shy" but because i believe it is better if i keep my mouth shut.. i tend to be toooooo honest.. understand that when i start to shake when i go to speak in front of the class its because i have been holding everything in for too long and i am about to explode. understand that i am a hopeless romantic. understand that when i was only 6 years old i gained a testimony of heavenly father. he was my only friend as a child.. understand that i couldn't scream so i sang.. and i sing and i sing and i sing... i LOOOOVE to sing.. music is my happy place.. understand that as depressing as my past was i wouldnt change a thing. i love my blended family<3 understand that i never meant to be a tourist. understand that i love to write.. i write music.... now that you know a little... actually quite a bit about me you might want to know who this tourist/singer/depressingchick/female/human is..... i am Maddisson.. i am probably the only one that spells it like that

.